Tell Me You Love Me
by Sirup The Rising
Summary: "Boys use the word "friendship" to begin love. Girls use the word to end it. Sometimes you will learn these simple truths of life the hard way." After going through a breakup with Saki, Kida learns that something is wrong deep within his own mind. His entire view of his existence has been distorted. Is there possibly a way out of this dark spiral of destructive thoughts?


_**A/N: **LALALALA I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE |D I pretty much just wrote this about a week ago to get out of a bit of writer's block I was stuck with. Let's just say it helped. I was inspired by a sentence prompt I found on Quizilla. It's the line you see in the summary, actually. Just the first one xD  
I'm not really sure why I wrote this as Kida x Mikado. Mikado x Kida. Whichever you like xD You can decide after reading. I'm not even sure myself what the meaning of this is. I had something COMPLETELY different in mind when I started writing. Instead I ended up basically making Kida crazy and Izaya a real sunovabitch |D No srsly, this is what happens when I want to write something romantic. It just goes all angstangstangstangst DEPRESSIIIIIIING! OTL  
AAAAANYWAY, do read and post your opinions. Also, if you have any sort of interpretation of the ending or the characters' behaviour, do tell xD I'm curious since I don't really get it myself OTL_

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_Boys use the word "friendship" to begin love. Girls use the word to end it. Sometimes you will learn these simple truths of life the hard way._

_And by the "hard way" I mean by getting dumped with the mandatory "we'll still be friends, right?" to which we boys will always respond "of course, friends is cool," while feeling completely and utterly rejected._

_A big thanks to Saki Mikajima for teaching me this. It is a lesson I will carry with me when I find myself a new girlfriend. "Friendship" will NOT be an option for any reason whatsoever._

Kicking an empty can in front of me, I let out an enormous sigh. Who was I kidding? I was not about to get a girlfriend anytime soon. The only girl other than Saki I had considered to be girlfriend material was pretty much out of my reach.

Besides, I was well aware that my best friend had a crush on that very same girl. Having a certain manipulative bastard of an information broker as my boss certainly did not make it easier to hit on girls either. He had a terrible tendency of messing up all of my relationships regardless of their nature.

"Masaomi, are you even listening?" Someone tugged gently at my shirt and I turned my head to find Mikado looking at me with a frown.

"I'm afraid I didn't," I stated in the most overly dramatic voice I could come up with. "I was busy scouting for pretty ladies to hook up with. Speaking of which, wherever might my gorgeous, erotic Anri-chan be?"

"I can't believe you," Mikado mumbled resignedly. "Did you really get dumped? You act pretty casually for someone who did."

"That's cruel, Mikado!" I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "I'm heartbroken! Depressed! Desperate! Give me a bit of comfort, will ya?"

"_HUH?!_"

Mikado's horrified expression was absolutely priceless. I laughed loudly as I let him go, tears building up in my eyes from the laughter.

"Sorry, sorry," I said, trying to stop laughing so much. "I know this'll be disappointing but my ass is one-way only. Guys aren't my thing."

"Geez, that's one terrible joke." Mikado stood up from the fountain, pouting. "Besides, who would ever want your ass?"

"Oh, are you offering yours? Perhaps I should reconsider?"

"_Masaomi!_"

The slight blush on Mikado's cheeks might have been quite attractive had he been female. I chuckled at the thought. If Mikado _had_ been a girl, I would have been all over him already. His child-like innocence was already alluring as it was.

"Stop looking at me with that smile. You're creeping me out." Mikado looked at me, his eyes narrowed. It seemed he was less amused by the situation than me. "Anyway, I'm going home since there's apparently nothing for me to do here."

"Let me join you then," I grinned. "We can talk about girls all night, forgetting about having been dumped and failing to get laid. Maybe we should talk about Anri-chan and how ero-"

"D-don't say stuff like that in public!" Mikado hissed, his face reddening again. "You can come if you want, geez. It's not like I care…"

"Of course not. And Izaya is my best buddy." I put an arm around his shoulder. "You know, I never thought I'd experience you playing hard to geaaaaaargh!"

Mikado stopped my stream of words by digging his elbow into my side. Someone ought to tell him that being violent was not going to get him laid. Who should tell him? Me, obviously? And what was my reward for sharing my wisdom? Another elbowing.

"Masaomi!"

"Alright, alright! I'll be quiet if you stop doing that, please!"

A couple of hours, and several plates of sushi, later, I found myself lying on my back in Mikado's small apartment, quietly watching as he cleaned up the empty delivery boxes from Russian Sushi. Thinking about it, it was the first time I had ever been here.

"You'd make an excellent wife someday, Mikado. Or maybe a personal maid." I had not for one moment stopped poking fun at him. It was simply too entertaining and it took my mind off other less cheerful subjects. "Don't you think that would be an interesting profession?"

"Of course, master. Though I sincerely doubt anyone could pay a proper fee for my services."

"Oh, was that a joke?" I chuckled, smiling at him. "Or an offer maybe? Are you actually offering your ass to me?"

"Idiot," Mikado grumbled, his back still turned to me. "Why are you so focused on my ass anyway? You should go find yourself a girlfriend if you're so desperate."

"Yeah, I probably should." I was slightly taken aback as my chuckle turned into a low sobbing. It appeared the breakup _had_ been worse than I had first taken it to be. Mikado also seemed to notice the change in the mood.

"Masaomi…?"

"I loved her, you know. Even if I was afraid to show her at first, I thought she understood." I covered my teary eyes with my arm, wearing a smile which betrayed my emotions. "Maybe Izaya spooked her. That wouldn't be a surprising move from that asshole. Or maybe…"

I bit my lip as images of Saki flashed through my mind. She had stuck with me through the most painful and horrible ordeals. We had left Ikebukuro to escape Izaya's influence for a while and be together. And yet we had gone straight back to him and broken up after returning.

"…maybe I just wasn't good enough for her."

I sat up, hiding my already swollen eyes in my hands and biting my lip until I could taste blood. It felt as if a big black hole had formed where my stomach should be, slowly eating me up from the inside. Saki had meant the world to me. Now that she was gone, just what was I supposed to do?

A pair of arms wrapped around my head and neck, carefully pulling me into a warm embrace. Mikado's actions made me smile a little. While I would not call it "normal" for two guys to sit like that, even if they were best friends, it felt a bit reassuring.

"If you're fine snuggling me like this, you really ought to get laid, Mikado," I joked to avoid feeling awkward as Mikado was not letting go. Hopefully that black hole would go away as well. "I'm sure there are hordes of young girls in 'bukuro who'd love being comforted like this."

"…don't need it."

"I can't really hear what you're mumbling with your head up there."

Suddenly I was pushed back with Mikado's hands on my shoulders. He was looking straight at me, frowning deeply and with a slight red hue on his cheeks and nose.

"Mikado?"

"I said: Unlike you, they don't need it." He looked down, his frown easing up. "It's not right when you're like this. Please stop crying. It… kind of scares me."

"I'm trying my best here," I said, my chuckle sounding more like continued sobbing. "I know how pathetic I look, 'kay? But man, you're cruel. Here I am crying and you just tell me to stop. That's horrible. Don't ever tell a girl to stop crying or you'll end up with water damage."

"Well, you're not a girl," Mikado pointed out. "And it's not at all like you to cry, not in front of people at least. She must've been special to you."

Why did he sound so sorry? My ears were definitely playing tricks on me, forcing me to hear things in Mikado's voice that was not real.

"I'm pretty sure I'm male." I rubbed my eyes. Talking calmly had stopped the tears… for now. "Which is why the only reason I can cry like a _man_ in front of you is because you're my best fr-"

_Ba-dump._

_What the hell? _Why had I stopped? The word would just not leave my mouth. My body started trembling as I choked on the word.

"_We'll still be friends, right?"_

_No_. I did not want friendship. I wanted _love_. I craved it, needed it as much as I needed air to breathe. I needed someone to love me, to tell me I was not just an indifferent puppet in somebody's wicked game. If not Saki, then…

_Then…!¨_

"Masaomi, calm down!"

A few good shakes of my shoulders brought me out of the dark spiral my thoughts had been swirling down through. Mikado was staring at me, more shocked than worried. No wonder. I had dug my fingers into my hair and my jaw hurt from gritting my teeth.

It was finally dawning on me that it was not the breakup with Saki alone that had left in this sorry state. Rather it had made me _realize_ the actual problem that had probably lurked underneath my usual self for a long time.

_My desperate need for love._

I managed to find Mikado's hand and I grasped it tightly as if to not lose grip of my sense of reality and drift back into my dark thoughts. It took his by surprise, but he let me hold to it. He could probably sense how important it was at that moment.

"Mikado," I began my voice shaking so much that I was amazed I could still speak. "I'm scared. Scared out of my mind. Tell me… am I replaceable? Do you think anyone needs me? Because sometimes I wonder…" I felt my body shiver. "Maybe my entire life is being controlled by someone else. Maybe I'm just a puppet, you know? Maybe no one gives a damn about-"

"You're wrong!"

The way he almost yelled into my face left me speechless and shocked. I never thought Mikado could get this angry with anyone, because most of all, it looked as if he wanted to punch me.

"You're _not_ replaceable and no one is deciding how your life will be unless you let them. And you're letting him, aren't you? You're letting _him_ control you."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." I felt myself drifting off again. "So I really am just his puppet, huh?"

"_You're not his puppet!_" Mikado sounded desperate. "Masaomi, you're you. You're Masaomi Kida and you're important to a lot of people. Sonohara, Karisawa, Yumasaki, Kadota-san and everyone at school, they would all miss you if you were gone. That girl would too, I'm sure."

"And you?" I looked up at him, feeling so awfully pathetic. "Would you miss me?"

"I'd miss you the most."

His steadfast statement made a small laugh escape me. For a moment he looked panicked until I slowly shook my head to tell him I did not take it as a joke. I had never appreciated his honesty more. Maybe, just maybe, he could help me get past this obstacle.

"Hey Mikado? I know this is going to sound incredibly stupid and that you probably won't agree to it, but can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure," Mikado replied, the confusion showing on his face. "Go ahead."

"You don't have to mean anything by it, but… just hearing it from you would mean a lot. Really." I shot him a weak smile before dropping the bomb.

"Could you say that you love me? Just once?"

"_EH?"_

I looked down. The shock in his voice was all I needed to hear. What had I been thinking, asking such a selfish request of him? I was the one who had insisted I was not into guys earlier and now I had basically asked him _this_. These words might be more important to him than anything and in that case, I would rather that he saved them for someone he really did love instead of his desperate pathetic excuse for a friend.

"I'm sorry. It was a stupid request." I released his hand as I lowered my head, the tears threatening to return. "Don't worry about it. I shouldn't have asked in the first place. I'll… just leave, okay?"

"…I love you."

My eyes went wide upon hearing those three words. Three words I had not expected to hear again, least of all from _him_. Even more so because it sounded like he _meant _what he said.

"Mikado, you don't-"

"_I love you_," he insisted, desperately trying to convince me. "Even if you're going to deny it. Even if you're going to doubt the importance of your own life. Even if you're going to seek comfort from others to feel better. I'll love you, at least until you can believe in your own existence."

Mikado's words were touching and almost unreal. I could not be dreaming… could I? Was I making it all up? Was it a major delusion inside my head?

And if that was not the case, when in the world had Mikado become so _mature_? It was not just his words, but everything about him. He made me feel at ease, like I did not have to be afraid anymore.

He had changed. Over the course of the few months we had been apart, he had matured quite a bit. I had failed to notice before, maybe because I excelled at bringing up the worst and most childish behavior up in anyone. And yet, he felt like the same Mikado I had known before. I had always felt better around him. He made me believe that I could be _normal_.

That I could be _loved_.

It did not take long before we were in each other's arms, fully embracing. Mikado's words had not been lies. He was already making me feel loved, despite how selfish my request had been. It was the exact same as with Saki.

_Girls use the word "friendship" to end love. Boys use the word to begin it._

_There is a fine line between the two and sometimes it only takes a small push for this line to be crossed. A wrong turn in a relationship. Being at a certain place at a certain time with a certain someone._

_Had Saki not broken up with me, I might never have learned how desperately I needed to be told that I was loved. Perhaps she had figured this out, that something was genuinely _wrong_ with me. Maybe I was slowly suffocating her without realizing._

_Had Mikado not been my best friend, I might have doubted my existence even more. I wonder what would have become of me. Maybe I would have become Izaya's puppet as Saki used to be. Most likely I would have turned suicidal and lied dead in an alley somewhere._

_Instead I ended up where I am now: Together with Mikado, not as best friends, but as a couple. Not much has changed between us, save for a bit more physical contact and kind words on his part. Maybe it is because I am not yet ready._

_But someday, I am sure I will be. I will break free from the dark thoughts, my unnatural craving for love and from the control I continue to believe Izaya has over me. I know Mikado will be waiting for that day too. On that day, I will finally be able to return the words he has already told be so many times._

"I love you too."

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_**A/N:** As I said, feel free to interpret their relationship here at the end any way that you like |D I just don't know. Hell, I feel like I really messed up Kida xDD Why am I so mean to characters I love? IT NEVER FAILS. I must have an inner sadist or sumthin' ._

_But yeah, let me hear what you think happens to the boys after everything |D The Sirup is curious~_


End file.
